Fear-Driven Living

It is not uncommon in therapy to hear that people are living a fear-driven life. Our present culture perpetuates fear in the media through imagery, sensational headlines and terrifying news reports, in turn promoting a fear-driven society.

This fear tendency is actually very common and we can see it in ourselves almost every day. All our fears are rooted in the stories or social constructs that we choose to believe in. When we get stuck in negative stories, this tendency tends to perpetuate itself each time we allow it to manifest in us.

Most of our fear arises in the same way - subtle and unsuspecting. It starts with one fearful thought, which leads to another and another. Before you know it, it has taken on a life of its own. If we are not careful or have very poor self-awareness, this type of habit can literally create panic in us.

What is a fear-driven life? It is a way of living where thoughts, decisions and actions are predominantly motivated by fear.  This may be fear of death, fear of loneliness or abandonment, fear of poverty or fear of pain.

What is the impact of a fear-driven life? The more fearful we are, the more we feel a need to gain control over life. This may present itself through trying to control our environment, the people in it and nature itself so as to avoid death, loneliness, poverty, uncomfortable feelings and pain of all kinds.

What do we know about fear? The emotional and psychological response of fear can paralyze us into inaction. It can numb our emotions and thoughts, resulting in poor decisions and judgments. It impairs our insights. Any decision that is made out of fear tends to lead to more fear and isolation.

What can we do about fear-driven living? The good news is that we can change this tendency simply by increasing our self-awareness through mindfulness. The sooner we note this tendency as it arises in us, the easier it is to stop it or replace it with a more positive and holistic approach to living. When we do this repeatedly, we eventually loosen the power that fear has over us.

Some suggestions on how to release fear:

"Remember, we see the world not as it is but as we are."

·         Acknowledge your fears. We tend to spend a lot of time and effort distracting ourselves from our fears. Practice mindfulness and become self-aware. Allowing yourself to be in the present and taking note when fear arises makes it easier to stop it or replace it with something more positive and wholesome.

·         Confront your fear. Get to know the depth of what needs to be healed and recognize where your fear is coming from. Next time you are making a fear-driven decision or taking a fear-driven action, take a few deep breaths and confront your fear by asking yourself: “what is it that is coming up for me? “what am I afraid of?” “why am I afraid of this?” This will help you to start breaking down unhelpful stories or beliefs. Confronting our fear is perhaps one of the most difficult things to do, even when we know it is good for us.

·         Move away from control. Make an effort to move away from control and manipulation and move towards strengthening the sense of knowing and trusting your inner truth.

·         Replace your fear. When you recognize the presence of your fear, chose to replace it with a calming mantra or affirmation, such as: “I chose to fill myself with love” or “I chose to feel peace.” Stay committed to creating a new narrative for yourself.

·         Feed positive thoughts. Remember that the thoughts that you feed are the ones that will remain with you. Next time you are grappling with a fear based thought and a positive and/or more truthful one remember to feed the thought you would like to believe.  

·         Make falling in love with yourself a priority! Your feelings of happiness and self-worth must come from within. You are only setting yourself up for upset and hurt if your self-worth and self-esteem are dependent on another person’s actions, thoughts and/or feelings.

Creating new stories and new beliefs take time and energy. So be patient and recognize that self-awareness is the first step towards releasing fear. 

Live YOUR life!

Kelly

10 Tips to increase eroticism and desire in your relationship

By Bliss Sexologist Kelly

Never in the mood? Faking it? or just doing it out of obligation? If this sounds familiar, low desire may have entered your relationship. It is completely normal for desire discrepancy to occur between partners who are engaged in a long-term relationship. Just like every other enjoyable thing in life, sex takes time and effort, but the good news is that with some practice, you can absolutely get your groove back.

For 10 tips to cultivate eroticism and increase desire in your sex life, CLICK HERE! for the full article. 

Here is the SMART formula for goal setting!

By Bliss Specialist Kelly

Goals give you long term and short term motivation.  If you add more structure and focus to your life, you will begin to live life more deliberately, on your own terms rather than simply reacting to life.

The quality of your life is ultimately shaped by the quality of your choices and decisions. Goals that range from the books you choose to read, the time that you wake up every morning and the thoughts you think during the hours of your days. 

Here is the SMART formula for goal setting!

S = Is my goal Specific?
For example, you might say, “I want to be healthier.” However, that is a very general statement. Whereas, “I want to exercise for 20 minutes, 3 times per week” is much more specific.

Tip: It’s important to frame your goal in a positive tone!

M = Can I Measure my goal?
It would be pretty hard to measure "wanting to be healthier," but it is simple to measure 20-minute workouts, 3 times per week. The more measurable a goal is, the easier it is to track. Similarly, if you track your progress towards achieving a goal, the more likely you are to achieve it.

Tip: if your goal is a large one, breaking it down into measurable elements is helpful.

What about goals that involve inner-work, such as: self-acceptance, personal fulfillment, improved relationships or internal happiness?  Knowing what something looks like, feels like, thinks like or behaves like is the ultimate measurement for deep change. Ask yourself, “How will my life be different once this goal is met?” “What will I do, be and have, that I don’t right now?” We need to allocate equal attention to our being needs in the same way that our actions meet our doing requirements.

A = Attainable: Is your goal within reason?
Your goal does not have to be easy, but if you stretch yourself is it something you could achieve? You do not want to set yourself up for failure and ultimately let yourself down. Alternatively, you will want to consider, is this truly as high as you can aim or could you possibly challenge yourself a little further?

R = Is your goal Relevant to your desires and life?
Is your goal something you actually want to achieve and that you are able to work toward? It is worth remembering that your goals should be relevant to YOUR life, not anyone else's. Is your goal in every way, shape and form related or relevant to YOUR vision? Is this something that will truly bring you closer to your ideal future?

T = Does your goal have a good Time frame?
Thinking them is not enough. "Goals once in writing are merely our dreams with deadlines.” It is important to reflect and set a reasonable deadline.

Remember… fulfilled people do not spend their time doing what is most convenient and comfortable.  Start making choices that you know are the right ones, rather than the easy ones! As Brain Tracy so beautifully says, "our goals allow us to control the direction of change in our favor."

Tips for Living a Happier More Mindful Life

By Bliss Specialist Kelly 

Happiness is an inside job and a choice you must take FULL responsibility for.

Rekindle your spirit

Take the time to indulge in self-care and reconnect with the things you love and that bring you happiness. Whether it’s reading, listening to music, watching a funny movie or spending more time with your friends. If you are strapped for time, wake up earlier! Waking up earlier allows you to cultivate a morning ritual that will allow you to prioritize and set the tone for your day.

Embrace your mistakes as opportunities for growth

We learn the most from our most difficult experiences so embrace your mistakes as valuable lessons that will help you grow and improve. “Resolve to transform your stumbling blocks into stepping stones and vow to turn your wounds into wisdom”–Robin Sharma

Practice forgiveness

Forgiveness is a great act of spirit and personal courage. Forgiveness does not mean that what happened was okay, it just means you no longer want to carry the hurt. Every moment you devote to thinking about someone who has wronged you is a minute you have stolen from a much worthier pursuit, like attracting those people who will help and support you.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it.” – Mark Twain

Unplug from the negative

Be more selective of what you decide to watch and what you choose to read. Read some positive articles online and do not watch as many news stories for a while. Don't underestimate how your mind and mood can be influenced by the input all around you.

Surround yourself with supportive people

Surround yourself with people who are happy themselves and who support you to be happy. If you are around people who are happy their emotional state will be infectious. Being around people who are chronically unhappy and refuse to see the positives will make it much more difficult for you to cultivate your own happiness. It is important to support your friends in times of need but be mindful of energy vampires.

Maintain an optimistic attitude and revise your mental conversation

Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself from negative thinking. If you can slowly make the shift, it can make a dramatic difference in your life. More people fill their heads with negative thoughts and criticisms than positive thoughts. Start by paying attention to your thoughts more and dismiss what you do not want to think about.

Have an attitude of gratitude

Train yourself to notice all the awesome stuff about your life by creating a daily gratitude list. Writing things down is a powerful practice to clear the clutter in your mind.

Learn to say ‘NO’

The stress that results from feeling overwhelmed can severely dampen one’s happiness and wellbeing. Before you commit to anything or anyone, ask yourself, does this serve my highest good? If the answers is no, then get comfortable with saying 'NO'. 

Get outside your comfort zone

Trying something new requires courage, it opens up the possibility for you to enjoy something new, it keeps you from becoming bored, and perhaps most importantly, it forces you to grow.

Be solution focused

Life is filled with ups and downs, next time something goes wrong, spend your time reflecting on solutions that will help get you closer to your goals and dreams instead of wasting time focusing on what is going wrong.

Practice self-love

Self-esteem is intrinsically connected to happiness, so it is important to build self-esteem through practicing self-love and self-acceptance.

Be kind to your body

Make sure you drink enough water, eat nutrient packed foods and do some form of exercise a few times per week. Try something simple like going for a walk, stretching or body-weight workouts.

Enjoy your journey

You need to be present enough to enjoy your journey. Happiness never comes to those who don’t appreciate what they have.  You must be willing to loosen your grip on the life you have planned so you can enjoy the life that is waiting for you in this moment. Develop present moment awareness and you will begin to feel much calmer in your life.

Much happiness <3