Sunday, 27 March 2016

A Book Review from Bliss Specialist Tammy Benwell on 'The Alchemist'


The Alchemist by Paul Coelho

Recommended by: Tammy Benwell

What It’s About:

The Alchemist is a book about following your dreams, and the struggles that one often faces when attempting to do so.
While sleeping under a sycamore tree Santiago has a recurring dream where a young child tells him that a treasure awaits him at the Pyramids in Egypt. After consulting an elderly gypsy woman, who confirms his dream, Santiago sets out on his journey to Egypt.  Along the way he encounters people and circumstances that cause him to doubt his dream, but he also meets people like the Alchemist, who continue to inspire him and renew his faith in the journey.

Why You Should Read It:

I love this book because it touches on one of my core beliefs about the nature of life.  I believe in following your dreams, no matter how big or small they might seem. I think that we allow fear and feelings of unworthiness to dictate a lot of our choices in life, therefore limiting our growth.  Bad things will happen to us all at some point, and sometimes the bad things can feel quite frequent and overwhelming. Santiago certainly faced his fair share of challenges.  But if we can continue to push forward, I whole-heartedly believe that good things can happen.  I have witnessed it firsthand, working with mental health patients, their families and my clients at Bliss. 

Favourite Quote(s):

            “It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”

“People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams because they feel that they don’t deserve them, or that they’ll be unable to achieve them.”

“People are capable at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of.”

“The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself… no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams.”


Tammy Benwell MSW RSW

Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Valentine’s Day Yoga Workshop


Trying to plan an exciting Valentine’s Day for you and your partner? Join Certified Psychologist and AcroYoga instructor Heather Anderson for a Couples Communication and Yoga Workshop from 8-10 a.m. at the KW Gymnastics Club! It may not sound like your typical, romantic breakfast-in-bed, but it’s perfect for couples looking for a fun and unique experience!

The workshop combines discussion about relationships, communication, and trust with the practice of AcroYoga, which “blends the wisdom of yoga, the dynamic power of acrobatics, and the loving kindness of healing arts”[i].  AcroYoga is a playful way for partners to interact, explore one another, and to have fun! It typically involves one person lying on the ground using their hands and feet to support their partner, who is balanced above them in various postures. And though it might sound difficult, Heather assures us that beginners can easily participate:

“Some people come into AcroYoga worried that they are not flexible enough or not strong enough. This is not the case! The techniques and progressions in AcroYoga allow beginners to challenge themselves in safe and comfortable ways. Everyone is encouraged to listen to their body and step just outside of their comfort zone, but not beyond.”

All you need to bring is your partner, a bottle of water, and your sense of adventure!

We believe this workshop is great for any couple, whether or not they are experiencing difficulties with communication and trust. Learning how to listen to one another, communicate effectively, and take some risks will benefit any relationship, and the workshop itself is just plain fun! It will definitely give you something to talk about over your dinner plans!

If you are interested, email Heather at heather.anderson@bliss-therapy.org to register.  The workshop costs $100 per couple, but due to the therapeutic nature of the workshop, if you have any benefits or coverage you will be able to submit the receipt as Couples Therapy. If you register and pay in advance, Heather will email you your receipt the same day; you are also welcome to pay the day of, in which case your receipt will be mailed to you the following day.


Location: KW Gymnastics Club, 805 Victoria Rd. South, Kitchener
Time: 8-10 a.m.




[i] http://www.acroyoga.org

Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Coping with Friendship Break Ups



I recently read an interesting article that explored friendship break ups and the silent unrecognized pain and even grief that may occur as a result of this lack of recognition; read article here.  In addition to highlighting the emotional impact, the author noted that someone experiencing the end of a friendship may be coping with societal and cultural messages that do not acknowledge, validate or even discuss the hurt and grief of a friendship ending.  This lack of validation can impact a person’s belief of what they “should” feel or “should” need in terms of support which may foster a “suffer in silence” environment further alienating the grieving individual. While the article did delve into the differences and similarities of break ups in both intimate relationships and friendships, I found myself hoping the article would provide the reader with helpful ways to cope with or support oneself through this type of loss.
Regardless if we know why a friendship ends or if someone virtually disappears from our life – referred to as ghosting in the aforementioned article, the pain of losing a person and friendship is palpable and can impact various aspects of our day to day life. If we are experiencing the grief and pain of the end of a friendship, here are some tips to help us adjust and cope in our life without that friend.

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1. Acknowledge that this is a Real Loss. Investing time and emotion into someone comes with hopes and dreams for an unknown tomorrow. When a friendship ends so do the unnamed plans and the future that we thought that person would be a part of.  Allow yourself to feel the pain of the loss through the recognition that it is the end of something that held meaning for you.  
 
2. Be Realistic about what Energy you have and Use.  When we are grieving our physical, psychological, emotional, social and spiritual self is doing a lot of work processing the grief while we continue in our day to day.  It is not uncommon or unexpected that you may have less energy then you are accustomed to.  It may be helpful to put boundaries around how much you do or what more you take on; at least until you feel that energy returning. 
 
3. Beware of the Negative Coloured Glasses. It can be easy when we feel rejected to internalize that message and attach it to everything we see or do. Messages such as “I never keep friends” or “I am always getting hurt by people” are over-generalizations and at their core untrue.  When a friendship ends it has as much to do with the other person as it has to do with us.  While it is important to be accountable to yourself in what you may do differently in the next friendship it is not helpful to badger yourself with negative criticism and hurtful inner monologues. Which leads to the next point: 
 
4. Practice Self Compassion.  If the messages you tell yourself are riddled with negativity and self-criticism then your ability to cope with the loss and begin to heal will also be hindered.  Think of your inner monologue, would you say these same things to someone you care about?  If the answer is no, then why is it okay to say it to yourself?  Give yourself hopeful, loving messages which reinforce that you will be okay and you will heal – because you will. 
 
5. Find Your Support System. Look for the people in your life that care about you and know how to provide you with care and nurturing.  Let them know what has happened and how you are feeling and be open to their love and support.  Sometimes our support system is just as impacted as we are by grief or maybe that friendship was our support system, it may be helpful to consider counselling where an unbiased confidential environment can allow you to explore the grief while investing in strategies that lead to healing.

Sincerely,
Your Grief Specialist Melissa

Sunday, 3 January 2016

12 Ways to Create an Intimate Connection

1. Practice Effective Communication Skills

There are many ways to develop effective communication in your relationship. One of them is to be present with your partner, which includes temporarily setting things aside in order to give them your full attention. Put your cell phone away, take your eyes off of your computer and turn off that T.V.  Active listening isn’t about you, so hear your partner out. Focusing on them includes making eye contact while they are talking to you. It’s also good to remember that they may just need to vent about something and don’t always need your advice or opinion. Being heard and feeling as though your partner is interested in what you are saying is important, so try not to think about what you want to say next and let them speak their mind. Another thing to remember is to practice empathy. Put yourself in their shoes and try to feel how they are feeling. This can help how you figure out a way to react to them and what they’re saying. How would you want someone to react to you? Reflecting back to them what you heard them say is a good way to show that you are listening. This way, if you get the message wrong they can correct you right away. Finally, practice mindfulness and focus on what is going on right now – not what happened last week or what is going to happen in the future.

2. Maintain Eye Contact

As mentioned above, eye contact shows your partner that they have your full attention. It also shows trust, respect, vulnerability, and openness, and increases the likelihood that your partner will feel understood.  For these reasons, eye contact can lead to deeper intimacy between two people. Remember when you first started dating? You could hardly keep your eyes off of each other! When did that change and why?

3. Show Physical Affection

Physical affection does not have to be sexual. It can be as simple as holding hands, cuddling, hugging or kissing. These kinds of physical affection increase the amount of the love hormone “oxytocin” that our bodies produce. This is the hormone that gives us all the good feels! Instead of relying on words alone, show your partner how you feel with actions. Sometimes showing physical affection can be a meaningful way to share how you feel with your partner, rather than just a way to get your partner to have sex with you. Don’t be shy and use your touch!

4. Be Emotionally Available

It may seem like this is an easy thing to do, but many people find it difficult to share details of their lives with others, even with those closest to them. They may worry that they will be judged, or believe that their thoughts aren’t valid or valued. But when we aren’t emotionally available to our partner and don’t share intimate details with them, they may begin to feel as though they are undervalued, underappreciated, or untrustworthy. So go ahead and tell them about what’s going on at work, or with your family and friends. Let them know about your feelings, thoughts, dreams, interests and what you are passionate about. Reveal your personal wants too, like those that come from deep down where you feel most vulnerable. This will show your partner that you trust them to accept the person that you are, and should help increase that intimate connection.

5. Accept Your Partner

Becoming emotionally available to your partner has the added bonus of allowing them to become emotionally available to you. Tell your partner those embarrassing stories that you can now laugh at and share those irrational thoughts that come creeping in. We all have them! Your partner needs to feel confident that you will accept their quirks, insecurities, embarrassments, and desires, and not disregard how they feel or what they’re thinking.  Be each other’s best friend, be open-minded, and talk about the things that move you.

6. Share Your Happy Feelings Too!

Tell your partner how they make you feel. What do they do that gives you all those good feelings? Why is your life better with them in it? What are you grateful for? Tell them how they are appreciated, valued and most importantly loved.

7. Be Supportive

You can show support in physical and emotional ways – sharing, listening, touching, holding each other, hugging, kissing, etc. You can give support by sharing advice, opinions, and experiences (just be careful not to tell your partner what to do!). In doing so you can give your partner necessary self-esteem boosts and build up their confidence. It is all about balance. Let your partner know what kind of support you need and how much you need it, but listen to them when they share with you about the support you give and how you can improve in order to best help them.

8. Trust

Trust is an important aspect of intimacy. Supporting yourself and being mindful of your feelings will give you confidence when you are with your partner and when you are alone, allowing you to trust them. Be dependable for your partner, come through on the promises you make, be honest and be open – this will allow them to trust you. Do what you say and say what you mean! When there is trust, the walls you have built will come down and the fears and worries you have will begin to fade away. Trust helps intimacy to grow and to be maintained.

 9. Laugh!

Boost your mood and boost your relationship! Be silly, tease, have fun and make each other laugh. Laughing doesn’t just show that we think something is funny; it is also a way to connect with others. Have you ever caught yourself mimicking the gestures or facial expressions of someone you are talking to? Have you ever caught yourself joining in on someone else’s laughter? I bet you do it more often than you think! Laughing makes us feel good and it’s contagious, so share lots of laughs with your partner.

10. Find Common Interests and Do Them Together

What kind of interests do you and your partner have in common? Is there something you’ve been meaning to get out and do together? Why not share in more experiences together? Engaging in activities together and giving yourselves a shared history (maybe even one to laugh about!) will increase your closeness.

11. Go To Bed Together

Remember how exciting pillow talk was in the beginning of your relationship? Bring that back! Take the opportunity when you are both in bed to tell them something funny that happened to you that day or something that’s been on your mind. Give yourselves time together to unwind after a crazy day.

12. Sex

Couples that have a fulfilling sex life tend to feel closer to one another in other parts of their relationship. Recognize that men and women have different sexual response cycles. For men, they may want to be more intimate when they are having sex, whereas women may be more interested in sex after intimacy has increased in other areas. The more you show your partner how loved, valued, and appreciated they are, the more likely they are to want to have sex with you. Build that up throughout the day or week by sending them sexy texts, by telling them they’re beautiful and by expressing how important they are in your life. Make your partner feel desired! Let them know how much you enjoy having sex with them. Have conversations about what you would like them to do to you and what you would like to do to them. Use language like, “it feels good when…” Sex should be fun for both of you, so be silly, laugh, enjoy yourselves and try new things. Remember to stay in the moment. Concentrate on all of your senses – touch, smell, taste, sound, and sight. When you are being present it can make sex more intense. Finally, sex means something different and is different for everyone. Try not to compare your sex life to things you see or hear about from other people. Be free and enjoy your sexual experiences! If you want to try something fun, create a fantasy box and write down fantasies you have. What turns you on? What is something you find exciting? Is there a particular scene you would like to act out? After you’ve written down your idea, put it in the fantasy box. These should be fantasies you would like to try out and some that you think would just be fun talking about and not actually doing. Then, sometime when you and your partner are up for it, pull out the fantasy box and go through a couple. You never know where things might go from there! 

Please feel free to get in touch with me at Bliss Therapy if you ever need, or want more information on how to enhance your sex life! 


Sincerely,


Your Bliss Sex and Relationship Specialist, Lindsay


Monday, 23 November 2015

Bliss Therapy Celebrates Two Years of Counselling


Two years ago we opened the doors to our boutique style private practice in Uptown Waterloo.  Since then our mission has been to help the people of Kitchener-Waterloo through the various challenges of love and life, and to develop and enjoy the fulfilling lives we know that they deserve! We are Bliss Individual and Relationship Therapy, and over the last 24 months our eight specialized therapists have counselled over 1000 amazing people.

Reaching this exciting milestone has us all reflecting on anniversaries and relationships in general.  No relationship is without work, and as therapists our first instinct is always to help, so to mark our anniversary we have put together the following eight tips for building strong partnerships and relationships.

Eight Tips for building blissful relationships:

1.  Toast the past and make goals together for the future.

"An anniversary is a time for celebration! Look back and reflect on the accomplishments and periods of growth. No matter what happened… you made it through. It is also an opportunity to set new intentions going forward in your relationship! Take a pause, take a breath, enjoy and celebrate this milestone! " - Kelly McDonnell-Arnold | Sexologist


2. Your relationship is unique. Don’t compare!

"Sex means something different and is different for everyone. Try not to compare your sex life to things you see or hear about from other people." - Lindsay Kenna | Relationship and Sex Therapist


3. Talk to your partner and share!

“The best way to keep a relationship going strong is to invite your partner on your journey. Communicate your wants and needs clearly, share your fears, and be vulnerable.” - Tammy Benwell | Therapist


4. Trust each other.

“Trust is the backbone of any relationship. If you can develop trust in yourself, you will be able to listen to your feelings and share them with your partner. There also has to be trust that your partner will be able to manage their own feelings in response to yours. With this trust, couples can learn from each other and grow together, rather than apart.” - Heather Anderson | Psychologist


5. Be awesome alone, be awesome together.

“It is important to give one another space inside of your relationship. The word space often scares people because they think their partner is unhappy. The reality is that you are hurting your relationship if each of you does not have the space to be an individual within your partnership. Having space creates healthy relationships. When you take the time to emotionally recharge as an individual, it takes the stress off your relationship and allows you to enjoy each other more as a couple.” - Tonya Beattie | Therapist


6. When you encounter difficult times, trust in each other and the relationship you have built.

“When tremendous loss is experienced in a relationship, such as the death of loved one, it can be difficult, even painful to support or be supported by your partner. Our inclination when someone is in pain may be to try to "fix it". The reality of grief is that it cannot be fixed; it is our natural response to the loss of someone or something we loved, and therefore it will be experienced. First, recognize that you and your partner will experience grief in your own unique way and it is important to honour that in one another. Provide space for your partner to experience and express their feelings without judgment or the desire to make it better. Finally, turn toward one another rather than the often-easier response, which is to turn away from the pain and hurt, and the relationship. Marriages and partnerships can survive profound loss, and it will take empathy, compassion and mutual respect for each other's experience of grief to help that happen.” - Melissa Reid | Grief Therapist


7.  No one wins when you keep score.

“I think that many busy couples struggle to avoid 'keeping score' of who is doing more than the other. Try to consider that even though you may be working at very different things or in different settings, you might both be working as hard as you can and doing a great job with your respective responsibilities.” - Heather Stuart | Therapist


8. Know that you are both right and both wrong. 

“In a relationship, both people can be exactly right and exactly wrong at the same time. Try to focus less on being "right" and more on understanding the space in between. You might ask yourself, "How can I better understand why my partner feels this way?" When we give up a little bit of power we have the opportunity to gain a little bit of compassion.” - Jenna Luelo | Therapist


As we here at Bliss head into our third year, our goal is to continue to grow and develop as a practice in order to best help you navigate through the challenges of life, both in your relationships and in your individual journeys!

Want to know more about Bliss Individual and Relationship Therapy’s team and journey?


Check out our infographic!